Sasha Cohen Conquers Her Figure Skating Fears...

I am at sixes and sevens lately... trying to convince myself that I feel a different way than I really feel. I always said that getting a BNYP (big NY publishing) contract wasn't a dream. It was just something I was trying to do... like climbing Mount Everest, because it was there. To prove I could, that On the Edge was, what I always knew it was... good enough to get a BNYP contract.

Except it's not that easy.

There are a raft of factors which have nothing to do with whether the book is good and everything to do with whether it can be sold. It has to fit neatly into a genre—OTE doesn't. It has to have a conventionally sympathetic main character—OTE doesn't. A book has to be something that BNYP's understand the market for—not figure skating. Even Alina Adams, who's been wildly successful with her skating murder mysteries had a HELL of a time selling her agent and publishers on them. In short, BNYP's don't know everything.

Sometimes, it's better to go it alone.

So on the one hand, I am charging ahead: formatting the book, having a new cover done, getting a login for the ISBN service, hiring a publicist, trying to manage a multitude of minutia. On the other, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Fighting the sorrow I feel. I came so far... only to fall short. I'm so sad about this.

I shouldn't be. I knew at the outset what a long shot selling OTE was. I tried to sell it. I got to the base camp. I made it just shy of the summit... and then just couldn't get over the peak. I know all about cutting losses. The road is longer around the mountain, but I'll still get to the other side. Why should I feel bad about not doing something that I knew was such a long shot to begin with?

But the truth is I feel like I've failed.

This hits really close to home for me. I have always been "pretty good" at everything. I never caught the brass ring. I was the poster child for "potential is as potential does." I'm the Sasha Cohen of everything I ever did, everything I ever tried to do. Always "the next big thing" never quite making it to the top of the podium. Failure after failure weighs on me, because that's not what I want me to be about. And now, I'm on my own.

I am worried, I have to admit, that I can't sell On the Edge to readers... even when I know that a thousand people were addicted to the serial. The chances of selling it in quantities that would make it worth the investment—and get attention from BNYP's—are really small. That's the thing. I know what a long shot this is. I'm doing it anyway, knowing that anything short of catching the brass ring is going to feel like I didn't make it happen like I should have. Its going to feel like I've failed to fulfill my potential yet again.

Thanks for letting me pour out my fears here. Fear isn't rational in the least. Most people who know me have no idea just how large success issues loom in my psyche. I'm always so confident. Or at least, I talk a good game. I am not, of course, going to let my fears hold me back. I'm going to do everything in my power to get On the Edge out by the Olympics or shortly after. I am going to capitalize on the Olympic hype if I can. I am going to leverage the increased interest in figure skating that happens every 4 years.

I'm going to do what I can do.

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Incidentally, this is not the first time I've tried to get OTE out in print. Five years ago, I ran out of money before going to press (ZERO chance of that this time). To my great shame, I took pre-orders—and people's money—before I realized the attempt was doomed. Then I was too broke to return the $$. Though I have issued refunds to people who asked over the years, trying to make good. I wasn't trying to cheat anyone. We were just broke—bad broke—nearly lost everything more than once in the two years following that. Been five years climbing back out of that hole.

I still have sales records. I will be honoring those pre-orders for people I can find. However, about half the people who pre-ordered have disappeared into the ether. I no longer have current email addresses. I am hoping that I can contact some of the people via snailmail, but with how people move around... ikes! Seems overwhelming.

Anyway, if anyone reading this pre-ordered a copy of On the Edge 5 years ago and have changed their email or postal address since then, it's really important to contact me so I can get you your copy of On the Edge when it comes out.