I am at sixes and sevens lately... trying to convince myself that I feel a different way than I really feel. I always said that getting a BNYP (big NY publishing) contract wasn't a dream. It was just something I was trying to do... like climbing Mount Everest, because it was there. To prove I could, that On the Edge was, what I always knew it was... good enough to get a BNYP contract.
Except it's not that easy.
There are a raft of factors which have nothing to do with whether the book is good and everything to do with whether it can be sold. It has to fit neatly into a genre—OTE doesn't. It has to have a conventionally sympathetic main character—OTE doesn't. A book has to be something that BNYP's understand the market for—not figure skating. Even Alina Adams, who's been wildly successful with her skating murder mysteries had a HELL of a time selling her agent and publishers on them. In short, BNYP's don't know everything.
Sometimes, it's better to go it alone.
So on the one hand, I am charging ahead: formatting the book, having a new cover done, getting a login for the ISBN service, hiring a publicist, trying to manage a multitude of minutia. On the other, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Fighting the sorrow I feel. I came so far... only to fall short. I'm so sad about this.
I shouldn't be. I knew at the outset what a long shot selling OTE was. I tried to sell it. I got to the base camp. I made it just shy of the summit... and then just couldn't get over the peak. I know all about cutting losses. The road is longer around the mountain, but I'll still get to the other side. Why should I feel bad about not doing something that I knew was such a long shot to begin with?
But the truth is I feel like I've failed.
This hits really close to home for me. I have always been "pretty good" at everything. I never caught the brass ring. I was the poster child for "potential is as potential does." I'm the Sasha Cohen of everything I ever did, everything I ever tried to do. Always "the next big thing" never quite making it to the top of the podium. Failure after failure weighs on me, because that's not what I want me to be about. And now, I'm on my own.
I am worried, I have to admit, that I can't sell On the Edge to readers... even when I know that a thousand people were addicted to the serial. The chances of selling it in quantities that would make it worth the investment—and get attention from BNYP's—are really small. That's the thing. I know what a long shot this is. I'm doing it anyway, knowing that anything short of catching the brass ring is going to feel like I didn't make it happen like I should have. Its going to feel like I've failed to fulfill my potential yet again.
Thanks for letting me pour out my fears here. Fear isn't rational in the least. Most people who know me have no idea just how large success issues loom in my psyche. I'm always so confident. Or at least, I talk a good game. I am not, of course, going to let my fears hold me back. I'm going to do everything in my power to get On the Edge out by the Olympics or shortly after. I am going to capitalize on the Olympic hype if I can. I am going to leverage the increased interest in figure skating that happens every 4 years.
I'm going to do what I can do.
Incidentally, this is not the first time I've tried to get OTE out in print. Five years ago, I ran out of money before going to press (ZERO chance of that this time). To my great shame, I took pre-orders—and people's money—before I realized the attempt was doomed. Then I was too broke to return the $$. Though I have issued refunds to people who asked over the years, trying to make good. I wasn't trying to cheat anyone. We were just broke—bad broke—nearly lost everything more than once in the two years following that. Been five years climbing back out of that hole.
I still have sales records. I will be honoring those pre-orders for people I can find. However, about half the people who pre-ordered have disappeared into the ether. I no longer have current email addresses. I am hoping that I can contact some of the people via snailmail, but with how people move around... ikes! Seems overwhelming.
Anyway, if anyone reading this pre-ordered a copy of On the Edge 5 years ago and have changed their email or postal address since then, it's really important to contact me so I can get you your copy of On the Edge when it comes out.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Figure (NOT!) Skating with Celebrities (ep 1)
Ice surface is TEENY. Summer Sanders is like THREE feet taller than Scottie. Scottie is squeaking and hoarse and he DOES say "wow" too much. WAY too much. It's not going to make us think skating is hard. It's just going to make Scottie look like a doofus.
It wasn't near as dumb as I expected. Pretty cute, but I'm not sure it has the attraction of Dancing with the Stars. It's actually possible for a star to dance well.
Debbie Gibson/Kurt Browning
Eggs with a Kiss.
Him suitish and yellow hat, her too poofy black sequined maid's outfit.
decent 1 foot spin from her, nice 2A from him. Good acting skills. Only a bit wonky skating. The costumes were very silly. Wonky lunge.
Dorothy Hamill: "enchanting."
"Sir John" Nicks: too much fluff.
Mark Lund: "loved the spin, don't step on the girl during the lunge."
48.0/60
Bruce Jenner/Tai Babilonia
Love Lift Us Up, from Officer and a Gentleman
Him: white suit with navy insignia, her: very elegant, long red dress.
spirals, low adiago lift, spirals, SBS 2 foot spins. sbs waltz jump turn waltz jump seq. simple pairs spin hand in hand.
Nicks: "however, artistry is nonexistant"
Hamill: "nice edges"
Lund:"2 waltz jumps in a row"
48.8
Kristy Swanson/Lloyd Eisler
All I Need is the Air that I Breathe and to Love You
her: fetching black sequinned dress. him: black shirt and pants
posing. wonky SBS spiral, sbs ina bauer, spilt adiago lift change position. sbs 1 foot spin, some attempt at unison. adiago lift. she needs to point her toes.
Nicks: good lifts kristy is wonderful in the air. no excitement
Hamill: love to see more connection between the two of you
Lund: a good first trial. more energy. spirals nice but weak.
47.5
The score is wrong. They were better than both pairs before despite the wobbly first spiral. In fact, the team in first was the worst performance. Maybe it was the heightened technical merit (Jenner's waltz jumps).
Todd Bridges/Jenni Meno
Wild Wild West (Will Smith version)
him: blue shirt black vest. her: western whore costume, but cute.
Hum... Todd Bridges was a roller skater. He should have nice edges... well, OBVIOUSLY he wasn't that great a roller skater. If he HAD been a good roller skater, he would be a pretty decent ice skater. Through the legs. nice sbs footwork. sbs lunges. sbs 2 foot spins dincing and posing. he trips but doesn go downj. throw waltz jump. him: knees slide to body flip
Lund: Jenni you can almost dance now. tood great rhythm. marked improvement.
Hamill: loved it thoroughly entertained.
Nicks: shakes head. have my glasses, we were not seeing the same thing. Dorothy asks "are you Russian?"
He wasn't near as bad as I expected from the review.
John Zimmerman and Jillian Barberie she's trying axels...
him: black. her: boob showing pink outfit
Many Splendored thing.
should lift to spread eagle, spirals. sbs spin a NICE one. sbs footwork. rotational lift.
Lund: non committal
Hamill: you were beautiful
Nicks: tried hard difficult to find much wrong with that one
Me: How about it didn't have much CONTENT. they are not as good as I expected them to be. But they were smoother than the others.
51.8
Dave Coulier and Nancy Kerrigan
blues brothers Soul Man
Blues Brothers Costumes
posing. cross over nice speed. sbs footwork. sbs footwork. dancing in place. sbs 2 foot spins. assisted cartwheel by Nancy. throw axel by Nancy. upright death spiral with him as the "girl"
Lund: well done, entertaining
Hamill: really fun love choreography
Nicks: stable, complemented Nancy well. ask yourself "would you rather have a hockey stick in your hand or Nancy."
49.5
Rankings...
Barberie and Zimmerman
Coulier and Kerrigan
Jenner and Babilonia
Gibson and Browning
Bridges and Meno
Swanson and Eisler
It wasn't near as dumb as I expected. Pretty cute, but I'm not sure it has the attraction of Dancing with the Stars. It's actually possible for a star to dance well.
Debbie Gibson/Kurt Browning
Eggs with a Kiss.
Him suitish and yellow hat, her too poofy black sequined maid's outfit.
decent 1 foot spin from her, nice 2A from him. Good acting skills. Only a bit wonky skating. The costumes were very silly. Wonky lunge.
Dorothy Hamill: "enchanting."
"Sir John" Nicks: too much fluff.
Mark Lund: "loved the spin, don't step on the girl during the lunge."
48.0/60
Bruce Jenner/Tai Babilonia
Love Lift Us Up, from Officer and a Gentleman
Him: white suit with navy insignia, her: very elegant, long red dress.
spirals, low adiago lift, spirals, SBS 2 foot spins. sbs waltz jump turn waltz jump seq. simple pairs spin hand in hand.
Nicks: "however, artistry is nonexistant"
Hamill: "nice edges"
Lund:"2 waltz jumps in a row"
48.8
Kristy Swanson/Lloyd Eisler
All I Need is the Air that I Breathe and to Love You
her: fetching black sequinned dress. him: black shirt and pants
posing. wonky SBS spiral, sbs ina bauer, spilt adiago lift change position. sbs 1 foot spin, some attempt at unison. adiago lift. she needs to point her toes.
Nicks: good lifts kristy is wonderful in the air. no excitement
Hamill: love to see more connection between the two of you
Lund: a good first trial. more energy. spirals nice but weak.
47.5
The score is wrong. They were better than both pairs before despite the wobbly first spiral. In fact, the team in first was the worst performance. Maybe it was the heightened technical merit (Jenner's waltz jumps).
Todd Bridges/Jenni Meno
Wild Wild West (Will Smith version)
him: blue shirt black vest. her: western whore costume, but cute.
Hum... Todd Bridges was a roller skater. He should have nice edges... well, OBVIOUSLY he wasn't that great a roller skater. If he HAD been a good roller skater, he would be a pretty decent ice skater. Through the legs. nice sbs footwork. sbs lunges. sbs 2 foot spins dincing and posing. he trips but doesn go downj. throw waltz jump. him: knees slide to body flip
Lund: Jenni you can almost dance now. tood great rhythm. marked improvement.
Hamill: loved it thoroughly entertained.
Nicks: shakes head. have my glasses, we were not seeing the same thing. Dorothy asks "are you Russian?"
He wasn't near as bad as I expected from the review.
John Zimmerman and Jillian Barberie she's trying axels...
him: black. her: boob showing pink outfit
Many Splendored thing.
should lift to spread eagle, spirals. sbs spin a NICE one. sbs footwork. rotational lift.
Lund: non committal
Hamill: you were beautiful
Nicks: tried hard difficult to find much wrong with that one
Me: How about it didn't have much CONTENT. they are not as good as I expected them to be. But they were smoother than the others.
51.8
Dave Coulier and Nancy Kerrigan
blues brothers Soul Man
Blues Brothers Costumes
posing. cross over nice speed. sbs footwork. sbs footwork. dancing in place. sbs 2 foot spins. assisted cartwheel by Nancy. throw axel by Nancy. upright death spiral with him as the "girl"
Lund: well done, entertaining
Hamill: really fun love choreography
Nicks: stable, complemented Nancy well. ask yourself "would you rather have a hockey stick in your hand or Nancy."
49.5
Rankings...
Barberie and Zimmerman
Coulier and Kerrigan
Jenner and Babilonia
Gibson and Browning
Bridges and Meno
Swanson and Eisler
Saturday, January 14, 2006
I Forget to Watch Figure Skating...
Hear, hear! To the commenter who said that About.com is generally shallow and I'm too good a writer for that <grin>. Hear, hear!
Guess you can tell, I don't feel so bad anymore.
I have to comment on that. I really have to put down my present peace of mind to the progesterone creme. Despite being PMSish and despite having a couple career disasters last week, I didn't spiral down into despression. Yeah, I was sad. Of course, I was sad. I felt bad for a day or so, but then just kind of went on with my life. It doesn't seem so much like a major setback as another challenge to overcome.
Oh yes, and I have forgotten to watch figure skating every day this week except for last night, where upon some idiot basketball game went into TRIPLE overtime making it so God damned late that I went to bed rather than watching the skateing which was SUPPOSED to be live but was actually OVER before the coverage ever even BEGAN.
So much for Nationals coverage. I hear that Johnny Weir was just magic and that my sentimental fave Matt Savoie missed his first jump but was otherwise simply sublime.
I have really been enjoying my tax classes with the AARP. Every year, the AARP runs the Tax Aide program. They provide free tax preparation and e-filing for people over 60, and low to moderate income people. I am going to become a preparer for them this year. The class is really intensive. Boy-oh-boy, I am not used to paying attention that much for that long a period of time! I come home from class exhausted every day! I just finished the first full week, with 3 class days and 2 days for working on the practicum on the computer systems. I actually finished after the sacond day (there are 4 more days available before you HAVE to be finished.). I finished up right at the end of the day and I go to the fellow in charge and say:
"I'm done."
"You mean for the day," he says.
"No, I'd done. Finished. I need to hand this in."
"You need to hand it in? You're done?" he asks me. Turning to the other trainers, he says, his voice heavy with incredulity, "She's done."
Okay, so I shouldn't brag about how good I am with computers, or how I came into the class with a lot of tax prep experience. I've been doing our taxes, which are always MONDO complex for the last decade. But I can't help it. One of the training guys even asked me if I had been a paid preparer before. I can't help it. I always enjoyed being a good student. But it's really nice to be appreciated. Dan, the retired fellow who sits next to me in class, even called me this morning to make sure that I knew that we didn't have class on Monday because it was a holiday. Wasn't that NICE of him?! I try to help him in class with the computer and with some of the arcane stuff.
Speaking of arcane stuff, it NEVER ceases to amaze me how the US tax code heaps complexity on the people LEAST able to cope with it. I am speaking specifically about the Child Tax Credit and Earned Income Credit. I have a heck of a time figuring out of a child is "qualifying" or not, which is not the same for both credits. Then, on top of that the Earned Income Credit is hopelessly byzantine and difficult to calculate. The Earned income Credit is specifically for the poor and the Child Tax Credit is for moderate income people at most, since it phases out when income rises over a certain value. My point being that the poor, though not uniformly uneducated, are often ill equiped to deal with the MAZE of rules and cases and situations.
Why does this have to be SO DIFFICULT?
For example, on my test, there was a question about a man, who lived with his mother and his two children, both made $23K in earned income (which is NOT AGI or anything you normally calculate for the return itself, it's something TOTALLY different). Both adults could take the EIC if they had a qualifying child. Who can and should take them? The choices were: a) the man, b)his mother, c) either the man or his mother, d) the man and his mother can each choose a child and both take the credit, e) any of the above. The correct answer, of course, is "any of the above." Sheesh!
Anyway, I am enjoying the class. I hope that I do as well when faced with the average client as most of the information used to file the return has to be elicited from them and they are not always equal to the task. I suppose, at worst, I could be a quality reviewer and go over returns to double check them.
The other thing is, I know a lot of my friends are not totally well off. If you have the time, you can get your taxes done and filed for free. This page SHOULD provide a directory of sites when it starts to work. It was supposed to work on Jan 13, but it doesn't yet.
So now on to my musing about what to do about my book On the Edge...
If you were reading last week or so, you know my agent dumped me. It's not like I ever had much interest from agents, despite querying 130 of them and getting read about 60 times. The Olympics is coming up... but I'm not going to have About.com as a platform. My site, Private Ice, despite being well known for a small site, really doesn't get all that much traffic. If EVERY regular visitor to the site bought a copy, it would still be only 600 or so books sold. It would be relatively profitable, but it wouldn't be enough sales to make BNYP's sit up and take notice. And frankly, I don't see every one of the 600 people stepping up with the bucks, despite visiting the site twice a week for the last 8 years.
On the other hand, I don't think BNYP's are going to sit up and take notice anyway. OTE and sequels were ALWAYS written for adults. They were never intended to be for 11-15 yr olds, which is where BNYP's peg them based on the SOLE FACT that Elayne is 17 at the beginning of the first novel. Okay, so like 60% of teen aren't virgins by age 17... what about the 40% that ARE? Regardless, OTE was always for women who remembered being young, not for girls who don't know what it's like to be a woman yet. If that makes any sense. At least, if I published the book myself, I could market it to whomever I wished in the manner in which I wished.
So color me not knowing what to do. Also color me VERY busy! With the tax course and still having at least one feature to write this month, I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. Yet at the same time, once the Olympics is over, interest in figure skating will gradually decline over the next year until it craters some time in the end of 2007, where it will stay until the next Olympic build up begins in December of 2010. In short, it's do it NOW or wait another 4 years.
Now... or wait yet ANOTHER 4 years...
Guess you can tell, I don't feel so bad anymore.
I have to comment on that. I really have to put down my present peace of mind to the progesterone creme. Despite being PMSish and despite having a couple career disasters last week, I didn't spiral down into despression. Yeah, I was sad. Of course, I was sad. I felt bad for a day or so, but then just kind of went on with my life. It doesn't seem so much like a major setback as another challenge to overcome.
Oh yes, and I have forgotten to watch figure skating every day this week except for last night, where upon some idiot basketball game went into TRIPLE overtime making it so God damned late that I went to bed rather than watching the skateing which was SUPPOSED to be live but was actually OVER before the coverage ever even BEGAN.
So much for Nationals coverage. I hear that Johnny Weir was just magic and that my sentimental fave Matt Savoie missed his first jump but was otherwise simply sublime.
I have really been enjoying my tax classes with the AARP. Every year, the AARP runs the Tax Aide program. They provide free tax preparation and e-filing for people over 60, and low to moderate income people. I am going to become a preparer for them this year. The class is really intensive. Boy-oh-boy, I am not used to paying attention that much for that long a period of time! I come home from class exhausted every day! I just finished the first full week, with 3 class days and 2 days for working on the practicum on the computer systems. I actually finished after the sacond day (there are 4 more days available before you HAVE to be finished.). I finished up right at the end of the day and I go to the fellow in charge and say:
"I'm done."
"You mean for the day," he says.
"No, I'd done. Finished. I need to hand this in."
"You need to hand it in? You're done?" he asks me. Turning to the other trainers, he says, his voice heavy with incredulity, "She's done."
Okay, so I shouldn't brag about how good I am with computers, or how I came into the class with a lot of tax prep experience. I've been doing our taxes, which are always MONDO complex for the last decade. But I can't help it. One of the training guys even asked me if I had been a paid preparer before. I can't help it. I always enjoyed being a good student. But it's really nice to be appreciated. Dan, the retired fellow who sits next to me in class, even called me this morning to make sure that I knew that we didn't have class on Monday because it was a holiday. Wasn't that NICE of him?! I try to help him in class with the computer and with some of the arcane stuff.
Speaking of arcane stuff, it NEVER ceases to amaze me how the US tax code heaps complexity on the people LEAST able to cope with it. I am speaking specifically about the Child Tax Credit and Earned Income Credit. I have a heck of a time figuring out of a child is "qualifying" or not, which is not the same for both credits. Then, on top of that the Earned Income Credit is hopelessly byzantine and difficult to calculate. The Earned income Credit is specifically for the poor and the Child Tax Credit is for moderate income people at most, since it phases out when income rises over a certain value. My point being that the poor, though not uniformly uneducated, are often ill equiped to deal with the MAZE of rules and cases and situations.
Why does this have to be SO DIFFICULT?
For example, on my test, there was a question about a man, who lived with his mother and his two children, both made $23K in earned income (which is NOT AGI or anything you normally calculate for the return itself, it's something TOTALLY different). Both adults could take the EIC if they had a qualifying child. Who can and should take them? The choices were: a) the man, b)his mother, c) either the man or his mother, d) the man and his mother can each choose a child and both take the credit, e) any of the above. The correct answer, of course, is "any of the above." Sheesh!
Anyway, I am enjoying the class. I hope that I do as well when faced with the average client as most of the information used to file the return has to be elicited from them and they are not always equal to the task. I suppose, at worst, I could be a quality reviewer and go over returns to double check them.
The other thing is, I know a lot of my friends are not totally well off. If you have the time, you can get your taxes done and filed for free. This page SHOULD provide a directory of sites when it starts to work. It was supposed to work on Jan 13, but it doesn't yet.
So now on to my musing about what to do about my book On the Edge...
If you were reading last week or so, you know my agent dumped me. It's not like I ever had much interest from agents, despite querying 130 of them and getting read about 60 times. The Olympics is coming up... but I'm not going to have About.com as a platform. My site, Private Ice, despite being well known for a small site, really doesn't get all that much traffic. If EVERY regular visitor to the site bought a copy, it would still be only 600 or so books sold. It would be relatively profitable, but it wouldn't be enough sales to make BNYP's sit up and take notice. And frankly, I don't see every one of the 600 people stepping up with the bucks, despite visiting the site twice a week for the last 8 years.
On the other hand, I don't think BNYP's are going to sit up and take notice anyway. OTE and sequels were ALWAYS written for adults. They were never intended to be for 11-15 yr olds, which is where BNYP's peg them based on the SOLE FACT that Elayne is 17 at the beginning of the first novel. Okay, so like 60% of teen aren't virgins by age 17... what about the 40% that ARE? Regardless, OTE was always for women who remembered being young, not for girls who don't know what it's like to be a woman yet. If that makes any sense. At least, if I published the book myself, I could market it to whomever I wished in the manner in which I wished.
So color me not knowing what to do. Also color me VERY busy! With the tax course and still having at least one feature to write this month, I am feeling kind of overwhelmed. Yet at the same time, once the Olympics is over, interest in figure skating will gradually decline over the next year until it craters some time in the end of 2007, where it will stay until the next Olympic build up begins in December of 2010. In short, it's do it NOW or wait another 4 years.
Now... or wait yet ANOTHER 4 years...
Monday, January 09, 2006
Well, not this time...
I got my final review for the figureskating.About.com Guide. I didn't get it. Here's the GFY:
Oh well. It WAS a great site... but, you can't win em all. I guess, somewhere, deep down, with my copious writing experience and knowledge about skating, I really expected to get this one. I didn't get over-confident, but I didn't see where they could fail to love me. But they obviously didn't. And being a good writer and knowing about skating and the web was not enough. I didn't write in the "About.com manner." So maybe they're right. I always regarded About.com with derision for several good reasons.
I probably don't belong there.
Your Prep site has recently come up for review, and we regret to inform you that it will not be promoted to the live environment.That was a BIG waste of about 100 hours of my precious time. It certainly WASN'T a valuable experience, but for a while there, I really enjoyed putting the site together... and thinking about what I might do if it was my site. I am sad about not getting the job. It would have been an incredible platform. It would have allowed me to be heard. And most of y'all know how I like being heard.
Below are some comments from the editor that will further explain how we came to this decision:
=======================
We thought you had a great site, but after much consideration decided not to go with it. You have excellent Internet skills and a vivid enthusiasm for figure skating, but some of the content just wasn't written and organized in the manner used on About. Thanks for all of the work you did on your site and we wish you best of luck in your future endeavors.
=======================
Thank you again for your interest in About, Inc. We hope that your experience was pleasant and valuable and we wish you the very best in your future endeavors.
Sincerely,
Guide Prep Administration
About, Inc.
Oh well. It WAS a great site... but, you can't win em all. I guess, somewhere, deep down, with my copious writing experience and knowledge about skating, I really expected to get this one. I didn't get over-confident, but I didn't see where they could fail to love me. But they obviously didn't. And being a good writer and knowing about skating and the web was not enough. I didn't write in the "About.com manner." So maybe they're right. I always regarded About.com with derision for several good reasons.
I probably don't belong there.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Figure Skating Orphan
Well, after being ignored for six months, I finally got a contact from PMA, my agent. It follows:
I have one more agent looking at OTE. I don't know what she will say, but I do know what I will do. And it's about time I do it.
It's been a pretty tough week. I'm having client problems in my magazine work. Two of my majors may go away for one reason or another. Both of them would go down owing me a fair chunk of money. The agent dumping me is just the latest.
However, there are a couple bright spots. An acquisitions editor at a major tech publisher liked my most recent book proposal. It goes to the board on the 17th. Wish me luck.
And the publisher who didn't like my last proposal and bought someone else's is not finding someone to finish that book... author crapped out on them, I guess <smug grin>. Guess who they thought of to finish it? Another <smug grin>.
And a widely advertised blogging job might just be mine. I really wowed the site owner during the phone interview... maybe even set myself up for a promotion later on. As pay goes, it's not great, but I think I'll enjoy it and it's regular per monthly thing. More info if I get hired (or not hired).
And then of course, I am prepping to be the About.com figure skating guide. Which only goes to prove that yes, one CAN eat one's words. PLEASE send good thoughts my way for this one. I could really use this job... not for the money, but rather for the platform. About is one BIG megaphone in figure skating.
So while not everything is roses and rainbows, some things, at least, are looking up.
From what I can find, ***** sent out your book to publishers back in late 2004 and early 2005. Unfortunately, this was her project and seeing as it has been submitted to several publishers, I feel that it may be best to allow you to start the new year fresh and to release you from your contract with PMA at this point if you wish to pursue other agents/managers. I would definitely be thrilled to read any other project you have in the works, but I do not see much more that PMA can do for On the Edge at this time. Please contact me again if you have any questions or any new projects. Thank you and best of luck!I've been dumped.
I have one more agent looking at OTE. I don't know what she will say, but I do know what I will do. And it's about time I do it.
It's been a pretty tough week. I'm having client problems in my magazine work. Two of my majors may go away for one reason or another. Both of them would go down owing me a fair chunk of money. The agent dumping me is just the latest.
However, there are a couple bright spots. An acquisitions editor at a major tech publisher liked my most recent book proposal. It goes to the board on the 17th. Wish me luck.
And the publisher who didn't like my last proposal and bought someone else's is not finding someone to finish that book... author crapped out on them, I guess <smug grin>. Guess who they thought of to finish it? Another <smug grin>.
And a widely advertised blogging job might just be mine. I really wowed the site owner during the phone interview... maybe even set myself up for a promotion later on. As pay goes, it's not great, but I think I'll enjoy it and it's regular per monthly thing. More info if I get hired (or not hired).
And then of course, I am prepping to be the About.com figure skating guide. Which only goes to prove that yes, one CAN eat one's words. PLEASE send good thoughts my way for this one. I could really use this job... not for the money, but rather for the platform. About is one BIG megaphone in figure skating.
So while not everything is roses and rainbows, some things, at least, are looking up.
Monday, January 02, 2006
A Figure Skating Magazine quotes ME
and other miracles...
I am so excited today. One of the major figure skating magazines did an article about skating fiction this month. I know the author of the article from the skatefic mailing list. She interviewed me because Private Ice is still the biggest skating fiction site around. And my quotes made it to the magazine!!! Whoo hooo! They even gave out my web site. Yipppee!! And traffic yesterday was up about 30% from normal. I am hoping with this issue on the stands during the Olympics, Private Ice might just draw some of the skating fans who have never even heard of skating fiction.
In other good news, traffic at skatefic.com DOUBLED to over 42,000 unique visitors this year. Almost 1300 people set bookmarks. In 2004, there were about 800 over the 6 months I was with the new web host. Not too shabby. Granted, it's hardly 1998 when we did 400K pageviews, but it's twice last year, which was twice the year before.
So, you know what my agent said when I told him I'd be quoted in a magazine with a 50,000 circulation?
NOTHING!
He passed it on to the associate that is supposed to be managing me, who does not return my calls or emails and you know what she said?
NOTHING!
No. Don't say it. I know, but it was damned hard to find THIS agent.
In other news...
So, I finally got back to the doctor about the hormone tests. They really ran me through the wringer. After finally connecting with a doctor who took me seriously, said doctor gave 2 weeks notice AND LEFT. Quit her job with the military clinic to take another job that paid more. The military doesn't move fast at the best of times and there was no way they could hire a new GYN (for the pittance they pay) in 2 weeks, so instead, the CLOSED THE CLINIC! Now, when you close a medical clinic, what do you do? You call everyone and cancel and reschedule their appts. You make sure that people who are supposed to get test results w/in 2 weeks get them. And you generally do the right thing.
Nope.
When I finally tracked THEM down a month later, it was the receptionist from the regular military clinic next door that told me how women had been coming for weeks, for appointments at a clinic that no longer existed. These women wasted time, money, took time off from work, some of them were probably sick, or pregnant and NO ONE TOLD THEM ANYTHING. Needless to say, the aide in my congresswoman's office got an earful. I told him that someone needed to get their wee-wee slapped over this. It was unconsionable to just DUMP those patients with no warning. What if someone had been seriously ill and waiting for test results?! Tragedy!
Then, to add insult to injury, since the original doc had not bothered to file referrals for her patients before she left, I COULDN'T SEE A GYN about my test results!. No matter how much hufifng and puffing I did. It was no use. So I made an appt with a physicians asst that was available to me. After saying that there was nothing wrong with the test results <sigh of relief> SHE had the TEMERITY to tell me that I should SEEK COUNSELING!!! Of all the patronizing, condescending, annoying bullshit... I am NOT CRAZY. I HAVE SOMETHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH ME THAT THESE ALL KNOWING DOCTORS CAN'T FIGURE OUT.
Do I sound angry?
So anyway, ANOTHER 3 weeks after that, I FINALLY get a call from the GYN on base who has been detailed to call patients and check with them on how things are going. I told her about the situation with the clinic and my unhappiness with my treatement by the PA, you can be sure. However, I also told her about something else.
As it turns out. I'm not crazy. I was having physical symptoms that the doctors couldn't recognize. The first cause of the constant pain I was in was a cracked tooth. Yes, those daily, increasingly awful, debilitating, PAINFUL, migraine-level headaches were from a cracked tooth. I got the tooth fixed. The headaches went away. After about a week, I began to feel more like my old self. The idea of working didn't seem to overwhelming. I actually got some stuff done. I still couldn't focus, but at least I could survive.
But there's more.
For the last seven or so years, my health has been declining. I've lost a great deal of my hair. I gained a LOT of weight. I had little energy. The last 18 months or so, I stopped being able to focus as well. It was like I was in a fog all the time. There were so many tiny symptoms. No one seemed to know what it was. A couple friends suggested that it might be premature menopause but those tests, as I just said, were negative.
Well of course they were. They were testing for the wrong thing. They were testing for lack of estrogen. Except that it appears that I DON'T lack estrogen. So, what is it that has been plaguing me for the last SEVEN YEARS?
Well, seven years ago, I stopped taking Depo Provera. I gained a LOT of weight. I started having thyroid like symptoms that weren't. I started losing my hair. Depo Provera is progestin... an synthetic progesterone that suppresses your body's ability to make progesterone. I was suffering from something that a small number of medical researchers call "estrogen dominance" ...lack of natural progesterone.
Now, if you don't know me very well, you won't know how INCREDIBLY skeptical I am of alternative medicine. My mother dragged me from one quack to another when I was a kid, seeking relief for my panoply of allergies and weird not-quite-there health problems. She said those things helped, but the truth is, I never really felt any better after being poked, prodded, stuck and experiemented on.
So I grew up with this distrust of both doctors and of the people who would foist their poorly researched miracle cures off on me and a bunch of unsuspecting saps in an attempt to get their money. Because these cures ARE always really expensive. And it seems like everyone who makes great claims about them is out to make money from it. I REALLY distrust people who are out to make money from an expensive and unproven "cure."
But, on the recommendation of one of those friends who suggested 2 years ago that I might be in premature menopause, I joined this yahoo list called HormonalBalance. As hard sell cure lists go, this was pretty tame. The list owner, though she was selling something did her best to really respond to questions with what information is available. She was at least about to convince me of the safety, if not the efficacy of this particular cure... natural, bio-identical progesterone made from wild yams in creme form.
After seeing the PA and not getting any help or answers, I figured, what the heck. It's ONLY $20. The other women on the list raved about it... only SOME of whom were selling it. Granted, as a respected colleague says, "the plural of anecdote is NOT data." These were only isolated stories. But they were convincing, because they were real people that I knew, not people who had been filtered or press-release-ized. I thought, "If it doesn't work, then I've only lost $20 and I can be smug about being right." I do, occasionally, like being right <grin>.
Except...
I was wrong.
On the second day after I started rubbing this natural progesterone creme on twice a day, the brain fog retreated. I could concentrate again.
After 4 days, I had energy... more energy than I can remember having... well, EVER. In fact, I was MOTIVATED again. I actually began to want to do things... even work.
After 6 days, I no longer woke up soaked in sweat and freezing. Night sweats, GONE. And the hot flashes were gone, too.
On the evening of day 6, the brain fog closed in, I felt tired, unmotivated, unenergetic. I had forgotten my evening dose of creme. I rubbed it on and about a half hour later, I felt GREAT. I picked up a feature article that had been languishing since October, and FINISHED IT.
It's been about a month now. I'm sleeping better without those damnerifous night sweats. I have energy. I am motivated. I am WRITING! When I was ovulating sometimes I get kind of... well, manic. And it had been getting worse. Not this time. I felt fine through that phase of my cycle. No high anxiety, no restlessness, nothing. There's more... more intimate changes, postitive changes that would be Too Much Information(TM) so I won't share them, but believe me, it's different and BETTER. And they say it may... indeed... make my hair grow back. I will no longer be the Amazing Bald Woman.
Oh, please! oh please!
I told the women on HormonalBalance that I was the most skeptical of all skeptics, but if this stuff worked for me, if it was the miracle they promised, then I would sing it from the rooftops.
Well THIS is me singing.
From the rooftops.
It works! IT REALLY WORKS!!
Natural progesterone gave me my life back.
I AM ALIVE!
In other good news, traffic at skatefic.com DOUBLED to over 42,000 unique visitors this year. Almost 1300 people set bookmarks. In 2004, there were about 800 over the 6 months I was with the new web host. Not too shabby. Granted, it's hardly 1998 when we did 400K pageviews, but it's twice last year, which was twice the year before.
So, you know what my agent said when I told him I'd be quoted in a magazine with a 50,000 circulation?
NOTHING!
He passed it on to the associate that is supposed to be managing me, who does not return my calls or emails and you know what she said?
NOTHING!
No. Don't say it. I know, but it was damned hard to find THIS agent.
In other news...
So, I finally got back to the doctor about the hormone tests. They really ran me through the wringer. After finally connecting with a doctor who took me seriously, said doctor gave 2 weeks notice AND LEFT. Quit her job with the military clinic to take another job that paid more. The military doesn't move fast at the best of times and there was no way they could hire a new GYN (for the pittance they pay) in 2 weeks, so instead, the CLOSED THE CLINIC! Now, when you close a medical clinic, what do you do? You call everyone and cancel and reschedule their appts. You make sure that people who are supposed to get test results w/in 2 weeks get them. And you generally do the right thing.
Nope.
When I finally tracked THEM down a month later, it was the receptionist from the regular military clinic next door that told me how women had been coming for weeks, for appointments at a clinic that no longer existed. These women wasted time, money, took time off from work, some of them were probably sick, or pregnant and NO ONE TOLD THEM ANYTHING. Needless to say, the aide in my congresswoman's office got an earful. I told him that someone needed to get their wee-wee slapped over this. It was unconsionable to just DUMP those patients with no warning. What if someone had been seriously ill and waiting for test results?! Tragedy!
Then, to add insult to injury, since the original doc had not bothered to file referrals for her patients before she left, I COULDN'T SEE A GYN about my test results!. No matter how much hufifng and puffing I did. It was no use. So I made an appt with a physicians asst that was available to me. After saying that there was nothing wrong with the test results <sigh of relief> SHE had the TEMERITY to tell me that I should SEEK COUNSELING!!! Of all the patronizing, condescending, annoying bullshit... I am NOT CRAZY. I HAVE SOMETHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH ME THAT THESE ALL KNOWING DOCTORS CAN'T FIGURE OUT.
Do I sound angry?
So anyway, ANOTHER 3 weeks after that, I FINALLY get a call from the GYN on base who has been detailed to call patients and check with them on how things are going. I told her about the situation with the clinic and my unhappiness with my treatement by the PA, you can be sure. However, I also told her about something else.
As it turns out. I'm not crazy. I was having physical symptoms that the doctors couldn't recognize. The first cause of the constant pain I was in was a cracked tooth. Yes, those daily, increasingly awful, debilitating, PAINFUL, migraine-level headaches were from a cracked tooth. I got the tooth fixed. The headaches went away. After about a week, I began to feel more like my old self. The idea of working didn't seem to overwhelming. I actually got some stuff done. I still couldn't focus, but at least I could survive.
But there's more.
For the last seven or so years, my health has been declining. I've lost a great deal of my hair. I gained a LOT of weight. I had little energy. The last 18 months or so, I stopped being able to focus as well. It was like I was in a fog all the time. There were so many tiny symptoms. No one seemed to know what it was. A couple friends suggested that it might be premature menopause but those tests, as I just said, were negative.
Well of course they were. They were testing for the wrong thing. They were testing for lack of estrogen. Except that it appears that I DON'T lack estrogen. So, what is it that has been plaguing me for the last SEVEN YEARS?
Well, seven years ago, I stopped taking Depo Provera. I gained a LOT of weight. I started having thyroid like symptoms that weren't. I started losing my hair. Depo Provera is progestin... an synthetic progesterone that suppresses your body's ability to make progesterone. I was suffering from something that a small number of medical researchers call "estrogen dominance" ...lack of natural progesterone.
Now, if you don't know me very well, you won't know how INCREDIBLY skeptical I am of alternative medicine. My mother dragged me from one quack to another when I was a kid, seeking relief for my panoply of allergies and weird not-quite-there health problems. She said those things helped, but the truth is, I never really felt any better after being poked, prodded, stuck and experiemented on.
So I grew up with this distrust of both doctors and of the people who would foist their poorly researched miracle cures off on me and a bunch of unsuspecting saps in an attempt to get their money. Because these cures ARE always really expensive. And it seems like everyone who makes great claims about them is out to make money from it. I REALLY distrust people who are out to make money from an expensive and unproven "cure."
But, on the recommendation of one of those friends who suggested 2 years ago that I might be in premature menopause, I joined this yahoo list called HormonalBalance. As hard sell cure lists go, this was pretty tame. The list owner, though she was selling something did her best to really respond to questions with what information is available. She was at least about to convince me of the safety, if not the efficacy of this particular cure... natural, bio-identical progesterone made from wild yams in creme form.
After seeing the PA and not getting any help or answers, I figured, what the heck. It's ONLY $20. The other women on the list raved about it... only SOME of whom were selling it. Granted, as a respected colleague says, "the plural of anecdote is NOT data." These were only isolated stories. But they were convincing, because they were real people that I knew, not people who had been filtered or press-release-ized. I thought, "If it doesn't work, then I've only lost $20 and I can be smug about being right." I do, occasionally, like being right <grin>.
Except...
I was wrong.
On the second day after I started rubbing this natural progesterone creme on twice a day, the brain fog retreated. I could concentrate again.
After 4 days, I had energy... more energy than I can remember having... well, EVER. In fact, I was MOTIVATED again. I actually began to want to do things... even work.
After 6 days, I no longer woke up soaked in sweat and freezing. Night sweats, GONE. And the hot flashes were gone, too.
On the evening of day 6, the brain fog closed in, I felt tired, unmotivated, unenergetic. I had forgotten my evening dose of creme. I rubbed it on and about a half hour later, I felt GREAT. I picked up a feature article that had been languishing since October, and FINISHED IT.
It's been about a month now. I'm sleeping better without those damnerifous night sweats. I have energy. I am motivated. I am WRITING! When I was ovulating sometimes I get kind of... well, manic. And it had been getting worse. Not this time. I felt fine through that phase of my cycle. No high anxiety, no restlessness, nothing. There's more... more intimate changes, postitive changes that would be Too Much Information(TM) so I won't share them, but believe me, it's different and BETTER. And they say it may... indeed... make my hair grow back. I will no longer be the Amazing Bald Woman.
Oh, please! oh please!
I told the women on HormonalBalance that I was the most skeptical of all skeptics, but if this stuff worked for me, if it was the miracle they promised, then I would sing it from the rooftops.
Well THIS is me singing.
From the rooftops.
It works! IT REALLY WORKS!!
Natural progesterone gave me my life back.
I AM ALIVE!
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